Thursday, May 14, 2009
mood music for today...
... I can't put my finger on it. Lately I've been carrying around this disjointed feeling, like being askew. It's a spiraling sinking feeling, like a top spinning out of control and violently wobbling off balance.
I try to hold it all in and with a masked smile but my humor has comes out manic and manifests at the most inappropriate times. "Bat shit crazy" I joke. Why are little children the only ones that can throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming? I want to hiss and spit and scream.
I am tired of shouldering it all. I can't worry about the world on top of everything else.
My damn dreams breed bouts of insomnia where I only sleep 2 or 3 hours a night. I have had the same dreams for decades now; dreams of demons devouring the faithful, visions of the world in flames and black winged devils circling like vultures, dreams of faceless people mercilessly butchering and torturing people in hospitals and prisons camps.
I wake up angry and anxious and spend the whole day trying to shake an invisible dread. At work I keep my head down and try not to appear distracted, lost in thought. As long as I stay busy I won't dwell one any one thought but that only propels me blindly forward like a runner in an endless race, always in a constant state of mental and physical motion.
By the end of the day I am exhausted and sometimes barely coherent. I want to come home and retreat to utter silence. Away from ringing office phones, intercom conferences, inane questions and buzzing fluorescent lights. The constant stimulation of the environment around me makes my eye twitch and my ears ring.
Yet, I grin. A grotesque stretch of the lips across a wax face. I am the good worker, the loving and doting mother, the loyal daughter, the perfect student, and the devout Catholic. I am everything to everyone and no one to me, barely recognizable to myself in the mirror.
I know the behavior that precedes these anxious moments in my life and the implications of publicly saying so; so I won't. I'll blame it on over exertion and lack of sleep mixed with a hell of a lot of stress and bounce on my merry way.
Tomorrow things will be fine. See I feel better already.