Thursday, May 14, 2009

mood music for today...


... I can't put my finger on it. Lately I've been carrying around this disjointed feeling, like being askew. It's a spiraling sinking feeling, like a top spinning out of control and violently wobbling off balance.

I try to hold it all in and with a masked smile but my humor has comes out manic and manifests at the most inappropriate times. "Bat shit crazy" I joke. Why are little children the only ones that can throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming? I want to hiss and spit and scream.

I am tired of shouldering it all. I can't worry about the world on top of everything else.

My damn dreams breed bouts of insomnia where I only sleep 2 or 3 hours a night. I have had the same dreams for decades now; dreams of demons devouring the faithful, visions of the world in flames and black winged devils circling like vultures, dreams of faceless people mercilessly butchering and torturing people in hospitals and prisons camps.

I wake up angry and anxious and spend the whole day trying to shake an invisible dread. At work I keep my head down and try not to appear distracted, lost in thought. As long as I stay busy I won't dwell one any one thought but that only propels me blindly forward like a runner in an endless race, always in a constant state of mental and physical motion.

By the end of the day I am exhausted and sometimes barely coherent. I want to come home and retreat to utter silence. Away from ringing office phones, intercom conferences, inane questions and buzzing fluorescent lights. The constant stimulation of the environment around me makes my eye twitch and my ears ring.

Yet, I grin. A grotesque stretch of the lips across a wax face. I am the good worker, the loving and doting mother, the loyal daughter, the perfect student, and the devout Catholic. I am everything to everyone and no one to me, barely recognizable to myself in the mirror.

I know the behavior that precedes these anxious moments in my life and the implications of publicly saying so; so I won't. I'll blame it on over exertion and lack of sleep mixed with a hell of a lot of stress and bounce on my merry way.

Tomorrow things will be fine. See I feel better already.

9 comments:

makemeaspark said...

glad you got that off your chest! What i love about you is your craziness and your sense of humor--humor saves us in the end! when teenagers threatened to get the best of me i learned to tease more and more--till now i am real good at it(well i think so anyways). keep on being you--the world needs more bat shit crazy's like you!

The Heresy Hunter said...

Keep going Crescat. Keep fighting and never give up. In my next Rosary, I will ask Our Lady to keep an eye on you, and help you along your way.
-TH2

Carolina Cannonball said...

Im going, I just want to be able to have a proper hissy fit from time to time.

Laura The Crazy Mama said...

Been there, felt like that. I have peace now but there are weeks like the post here describes, all too often. St. Michael, protect us!

Adoro said...

Cres, if a hissy fit helps...HAVE ONE!

I'm not a "feelings....da da da da FEELINGS" kind of person, but admit that sometimes, we need to vent, and damn it, feelings ARE important in the proper context!

So...if you need to "vent" all over someone (with or without all the sickening buzzwords) do it here, send me an email, call me (um...you don't have my #) or do what you need to do.

My best friends are the people who will listen quietly and not say "I knew it" even when they knew it all along. And refuse to be shocked considering they agree with every word.

Just sayin'.

FYI...I'm as big an ass and a bitch as you....wish I knew you in person. Talk to me....not like my friends will anymore...

;-)

Kidding...sorta....

Praying (really)

Marco de Puna said...

Offering my Rosary and prayers for you.

Take plenty of deep breaths.

Make the sign of the Cross.

May angels comfort you.

Mary Rose said...

You have made a huge difference in my life. Huge. Your transparency touches me and yes, I can relate so very well. I may write more.

If I were there, I'd drag you out for a beer where we could throw popcorn at people and laugh at this batshitcrazy world.

kired said...

Pater noster...
Ave Maria...
Gloria...

I will remember you in the LH

RJW said...

Alprazolam. LOL