Sunday, July 26, 2009


... the worst part of dating is not the horrible dates filled with awkward conversation, the embarrassing social faux pas, or clumsy introductions.

For me it's the fear of actually liking the person sitting across from me and then having to decide if they are worthy enough to risk opening yourself up to... and then trying to read the signs for an indication things might be reciprocated.

It's that "crap" feeling... "crap; here we go again."

Am I up to the task of being emotionally vulnerable? Probably not.

An old man once told me that life never gets better and there will always be hurts but the hurts are good because they remind us that we continue to feel.

So why do I do it? My female friends don't get it... are maybe they try to repress it within themselves. To say you need a man and desire love in this day and age is unfathomable. Strong modern women don't need men, smart woman, self reliant, independent... all the cliche buzz words that below the surface really mean one thing. DENIAL.

God made us for each other. The strong and the nurturing. A perfect union to reflect a biological harmony. Why misogynistic feminists constantly try to deny themselves I'll never know.

To imply I am weak or lesser, even stupid, for having these desires saddens me. Not because their opinions hurt me, but because I know a life in denial is a lonely one.

So, strap on the body armor. Here I go again... marching blindfolded into an emotional minefield.


Fr. Erik Richtsteig said...

Give 'em hell Kat. Any guy you connect with will be blessed.

Catholic Mom of 10 said...

Excellent & open post..will pray for you on my retreat..

Keystone said...

A moment alive in authenticity with any man of your choice, outweighs the scales of justice, when the other plate, is filled with a lifetime of inauthentic drivel.

It is the lie of satan to convince women to go it alone; no man required.
Can it be done? Yes.

But it begs the question of what a life is worth,... without love for the man you hope to meet, know, and share life here and forever.

Christ will spit the lukewarm from his mouth. Let your passion for Christ, be shared with a man.

Most guys have been run through the wringer a time or two or ten, by the age you are seeking. It is a two-way street of abuse, and a two-way street of love.

God can send a man your way in answer to prayer. But it is up to you to see him as he comes into view, extend a hand, and tell him your name and add "I'd like to get to know you".

Skip the beauty people. They have narcissistic tendencies, just like satan, and can not return love to any but themself.

Seek a man who is able to see Christ in you, and add in the conversation to you: "He is a friend of mine too".

Manna fell from heaven to all Israelites in the desert (Exodus), but they had to get off their butt and pick it up, or do without.

As for the gals giving grief, they are fractured fairy tales, and your joy may require them to emulate you,..... instead of dwelling in the self pity that serves them so well, for their poor choices made in the past.

Your man will not come flaw free.
Nor are you.
Be authentic.
Worry more about what Christ thinks of the relationship, and less of what the gals think.

And if, after years of trying, you remain single, wearing your heart on the outside of your chest, instead of deeply covered, will have led to a life similar to the life Christ led in his time here.

Do not settle for someone you can live with (and hope to change).

Settle with a man you can not live without.

The lie is that they do not exist; the truth is that they do.
Loneliness encircles the globe in hearts, married and single.
It happens for people lack truth and authenticity with each other.

Be authentic. Few people do anymore and it will be refreshing to see what that brings to your life. Pretend for no one.
Be gracious, but not molded to meet another's expectations.

And do like Christ.
Out of 72, came twelve disciples.
Of the 12, three were closest.
Of the three, ONE was beloved.

The ratio seems about right even today. Blessings to you on your journey.

(as a good omen, my Word Verification is "nesters")

MamaMidwife said...

Wow. That was a long comment to read.

Mary = true feminist.

Follow your heart. God is talking to you. :)

Carolina Cannonball said...

Keystone... thank you. I was going to delete this post when I woke up this morning. But because of your comment I will let it stand.

Lee Strong said...

Speaking as a guy, the kind of love you describe is what we all desire, but we hide from that knowledge. It frightens us - and that is as true of guys as of gals (maybe even more so). Don't settle for less.

Lola said...

Okay, on the Weather Channel a week or so ago, the 30ish lady handing out the weather report for the day was commenting on the beautiful weather ahead for the Northeast. Then she looked at the camera and said, "If you have plans for a first or blind date this week, meet for coffee. Lunch is too much sometimes and you can often tell if you want to see each other again without so much pressure." I'm paraphrasing but that was the gist. And, I have never before or since had dating advice on the Weather Channel. I thought it was genius.

Too often I remember when I was dating, I would find myself in a polite but uncomfortable evening.

Besides coffee is delicious. And, you can see how they treat the 'help'.

That just might be a little more livable.

Sorry I just can't help myself. You are a doll, and I just know all the qualities in a man you are looking for are rolled up into one. Oh, and you're going to be surprised by quite a few that aren't on your list.

"There are two things a woman knows: what she's looking for and what she'll settle for. "
The Mirror has two faces

I wish my single brother went to mass...

ignorant redneck said...

Hey Kat--

Hang in there, because at least you can proceed with the sure knowlege that you won't end up with me!

Unfortunatly, the person whom I wish would end up with me isn't ever going to repeat the mistake!

On the other hand, with the way your mind works, you gotta be top drawer, so most guys won't really be the right sort.

TheSeeker said...

I hate dating. It sucks. But being a wife and a mother is the only thing in this world that I really want. I see all my friends married, having anniversaries, and having children...and I have this horrible ache in my chest. I'm happy for them, I really am. But it's hard to be the one left behind, and to be left behind so young. I'm only 23, but I've been the old maid in my group for a couple of years now.

I'm right there with you. You're not alone in the ickiness.

Keystone said...

Your words were kind to me. I am glad you left the topic open for discussion, for it is widely "thought" and never discussed" in spirit and in truth.

I would like to note that BVM was NOT a feminist. She was a servant of the Lord; handmaiden; faithful to God, and to the stepfather of God's Son, Joseph.
Feminists say needing a man is like a fish needing a bicycle.

Christ laid a pattern for us to follow.
And keep in mind, the Beloved, John, was the only disciple to stand at the foot of the Cross watching Christ die. The rest ran away in fear for their lives.

Christ handed Mary's care and future to HIS Beloved, John as he died. A feminist can take care of herself all alone, thank you very much.
And lives in loneliness accordingly. Deception is their game. Mary, John, and Christ were not into deception.

We do not follow Christ' pattern of knowing one another deeply.
We try on a mate to the exclusion of all others, as if they were a pair of shoes to see if they fit.

Christ hung around many simultaneously and slowly settled onto a few. There was a reason.

People choose to use one another like a Kleenex'; used once and thrown away. Then, off to a new Kleenex.

The 23 year old lass who speaks of the angst of no mate (above me) is in prime time to date, the way Christ narrowed to his most Beloved friend on Earth. This is what we want too, a Beloved.

But because we "try" one out, find the flaws, discard after wear and tear, then start all over, ....
the next person finds used and damaged goods for themself.

Under Christ' system, NO ONE is damaged goods. You laugh and enjoy all folks, some more deeply than others, until you narrow down an ideal for life partner.

With our system of dating, folks go out looking for the piece that will fill the hole in their heart. They themselves are not complete as a person. They must never reveal authenticity, or the other person will see the huge hole in the heart, an ulterior motive to accepting someone.

In society, these damaged and manipulative are easy to find, for there are so many of them.

When you have narrowed to the Beloved, you can now marry an authentic person and God joins in the mix of your marriage.

Kleenex people are always looking to take. They need something out of you, to complete their life. They are exhausting to know, a true energy suck.
I call them "1/2".

When a 1/2 dates, they look for another 1/2 to complete them to a 1.
But the OTHER 1/2 is doing the same thing. When both 1/2's TAKE from each other, they reduce each other, instead of complete one another.
If I take 1/2 of a 1/2, all they have left is 1/4.

And that works two ways for dating is not addition.

Dating is multiplication.
When the two become one at marriage, we do not see 1+1 = 2.
We see multiplication of 1 X 1 = 1, for in marriage, they ARE one.

In dating, multiplication always occurs too.
We see 1/2 + 1/2 = 1.
This damages all of us.
The multiplication means 1/2 X 1/2 = 1/4. And a 1/4 complete person makes a miserable partner for life, since they are missing so much OF THEMSELF.

Do as Christ did; out of many comes the one.

1/2's are easy to spot since there are just so many of them.
Premarital sex has used another person's partner intimately and damaged a marriage for their own lust.

Drugs, alcohol, child abuse, and a host of destructive behavior creates many 1/2's out there.

But the lie of satan is that a 1 no longer exists. They do. And they are easy to spot in a crowd, for they are so much higher than all the 1/2's surrounding them.

Look for a 1, CC, and you will find the ONE.

This requires of course, that you also be a 1.

Otherwise, when the priest does the miraculous math of marriage, the multiplication of "1" times anything less, becomes less.

But "1" times another "1" becomes "1".

Be a "1" for some "1".

Terry Nelson said...

If we were live or in the same room I would say something really stupid and funny - but I can't because you are so serious with this.

One piece of serious advice - maybe don't second guess yourself so much.

Mary said...

Methinks Keystone could make a bundle writing a book on this subject. Good insights!

Carolina Cannonball said...

Terry, I would probably laugh till tears. Being twisted aint so bad... it's how I get through the day.

Yes... I second guess myself time and time again. Probably bc I no longer trust my own good judgement.

Miss Heather Barrett, OP said...

Just want to say you're not alone, and I am finding your posts very inspiring! God bless you.

MamaMidwife said...

My comment on Mary being a true feminist may have been misinterpreted.

I believe a true feminist embodies all that it is to be a woman, and even more importantly respects and loves what God created women for.

A true woman does serve. A woman who submits to God's will for her life is what I would call a real feminist.

Just clarifying.

Yes, Keystone, you could write a novel. I'd be in line to buy it.

Keystone said...

Mama Midwife,

Please take no offense at my comments on BVM and feminists.

Some words are inflammatory, like liberal, conservative, democrat, republican, abortionist, redneck, tree hugger, and the like.
Guards go up instead of thoughts on common denominators we all share being enhanced and discussed.

I recommend Proverbs 31, starting with verse 10 on The Good Wife, as exemplifying a Biblical woman (as opposed say, a feminist).

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies....

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.


This is the Good Wife.

BVM was about 15 when she got pregnant with the Messiah. He lived about 33 years and she watched him die on the cross.
She was pushing 50 by then (close to it). If Joseph was alive, there would be no reason for Christ to give charge of his Mother to John.

BVM was the Good Wife of Proverbs 31, which is in the Bible Jesus read and knew.

But, before the Cannonball gets to Good Wife, we need to figure a way to a Good Date. This issue is poorly dealt with in society as we are consumed in current times with the breast, and outward appearances.

Our system of dating is like a pretend marriage to "see how it goes" and when one gets bored, that partner leaves.

We try one person at a time, until we have invested so much of ourself in to them, that starting over is akin to death, so we move forward with a dud.

The church dumps singles until they get married and 'get it right".

So WE have it wrong; SOCIETY gets it wrong; and the CHURCH gets it wrong.

It is not God's plan to have millions or billions of mismatched or lonely people. That hardly brings glory to Him.

This column simply views many angles at what we have, what we need, and how we can do better at creating healthy relationships.

The best start for everyone is to be a healthy person in relationships and bring THAT to the table.

For those of you married, prayer for the singles, widows, and divorced are always in order.
Every married person will one day be single again, so keep in practice on establishing healthy relationships. You will need it.

Add some singles to your friends in real life, not online. Introduce them to members of the opposite sex that you know. (I am not advocating "matchmaker momma").
But an assist is always rewarded by God. What goes around, comes around.

Carolina simply expressed aloud what we all go through. We need to change the way we meet quality people.

Some of the loneliest people I know are married, not single.
"Fools rush in, where angels fear to tred".

Singles can do something about loneliness, by avoiding it in the first place and choosing wisely.

Loneliness is an awareness from God, a gift, that He longs to be in fellowship with us, just as we long to be in fellowship with one another.

Introduce folks you know to other people. Not to be a matchmaker, but to create the 72 I mentioned above. And if they believe in Jesus Christ, that is the biggie.
The rest of the details on churchianity stuff can be worked over a lifetime of love.

Anonymous said...

You should have deleted it...


Carolina Cannonball said...

Yup, agnus. You are are probably right. No good come of all this emotional honesty.

The Reformer said...

Tobit 8:4-8

Keystone said...

Why hint? Spell it out.
Tobit 8:4-8

On the evening of THEIR MARRIAGE (emphasis mine), Tobias said to Sarah, "you and I must pray and petition our Lord to win his grace and protection." They began praying for protection, and this was how he began: "You are blessed O God of our fathers; blessed, too, is your name for ever and ever. Let the heavens bless you and all things you have made for evermore. It was you who created Adam, you who created Eve his wife to be his help and support; and from these two the human race was born. It was you who said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; let us make him a helpmate like himself." And so I do not take my sister for any lustful motive; I do it in singleness of heart. Be kind enough to have pity on her and on me and bring us to old age together." And together they said, "Amen, Amen."

So Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram gave the name Ishmael to the son she had borne.
~~~Genesis 15

But Hagar was not the wife of Abram. And it was the wife's idea (Sarah) to create children outside her marriage to Abram. It later caused regret.
Ishmael means "God hears", and in hearing the plight of the first recorded single parent in the Bible, God stepped in to meet her needs, for "man" had stepped out and abandoned her needs.

Divorce and widows are close to the heart of the lord.

Indeed, in all recorded history, the Lord announced himself as the Messiah, not to the religious, not to the married, not to the famous, but to the Woman at The Well.... a woman of no husbands, but at least 5 men. This woman was the first to be told that Christ is the Messaiah, by Christ Himself.

While Tobit and Genesis are esoteric examples of what could have been, none of these things deal with the issue of "why".

And within marriage, I can name on less than two hands, the number who appear satisfied all the time.

Integrity comes from within.
And it is in diminishing supply in the dating market for both genders.
We invest in weddings; not marriages.

In Genesis, God ended the day seeing that what he made "was good".
God seems to have thought that God is all you need, but man says God is not enough. He was lonely, in the best of circumstances in the Garden.
So God made him a mate to relieve loneliness.

Truth? God wanted relationship with man. Loneliness is an awareness from God, that He longs to be in fellowship with us, as we long to be in fellowship with one another. It is a gift.

We now date instead of dowry.
And today's method of dating does not work, or we would find successful, contented, matched folks all around. Instead, we find divorce court and custody battles, or simply walking away and abandonment (as Abram did to Ishmael) after shacking up instead of marriage.

Holiness has been removed from the sacrament, for we plan a day, not a lifetime.

My mom died. I go to the cemetary often. Three or four rows over, I often run into a young nurse in her mid 20's, lying on the ground, talking to her beloved since last fall. This week, I saw the bridal flowers on his grave (he was 30) that were to mark their wedding day this summer. His death was from a drunk driver. Her dream was altered.

Time Magazine current issue has Infidelity on the cover. It finally became big news what everyone new all along.

Frank Sinatra put the dilemma to words in his song:"That's Life".

"I've been up and down and over and out, And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

That's life
I tell ya, I can't deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain't gonna buy it.
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try,
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly"

There it is;..... nice and succinct for daters everywhere:
"Each time I find myself, flat on my face, I pick myself up and get back in the race."

That's life.