Tuesday, August 09, 2011

there's already a patron saint for lost causes...

... in the past I've been accused of having a martyr complex. If I do, it's only because I really really want to make it to Heaven and I will welcome any sure shot I can get. Martyrdom is the quickest route, or so I hear.

Remember that heart attack I had during mass and how pissed I was I didn't get whisked to glory straight away after receiving Communion? I mean, come on! I was *so* close. That means I have to continue to try and behave myself and be on daily guard... like everybody else. Of course I jest. My son needs me and I thank God daily for every day I have with him... but I was so close to Heaven and for a big fat sinner like me, that was my Golden Ticket.

While I was in the hospital I joked with the Catholic doctor about designing my own holy card, and then I did on the corner of my EKG read out. We debated what I would be the patron of... against tobacco or crappy tickers.

Prior to that whole life evaluating scare I had actually imagined myself the patroness against being caught in the rain without an umbrella. Let me explain.

Several years back I was getting into my car, in the middle of a down pour, and saw a woman clutching a baby and making a mad dash across the parking lot. I stopped her and gave her my umbrella. I told her to keep it and give it to someone else who may need it. Doing silly things like that can be contagious. Making others feel good, in turn, makes us feel good. Then we are motivated to continue making others feel good. If you are going to get in the habit of something, might as well make it a decent one.

Whenever I was out shopping I made it a point to pick up a cheap umbrella. After awhile I had acquired a nice sized stash of umbrellas I kept in my car. I would pass them out where ever I encountered someone walking in the rain.

But then I got lazy and just started throwing them out my car window at people waiting for the bus in the rain. It vaguely dawned on me how scary this might be. In the days of back pack bombs and suspicious packages I'm lucky to have not been arrested, or at least involved in a high speed chase.

I realize I am too hapless for sainthood. I'm going to have to earn Heaven the hard way; through good living, confession and remission of sins, prayer, good works, and acts of penance.

But for those of you more ambitious, Jeff Miller has your cause for canonization all planned out!


Anonymous said...

I never laughed so much. Did you really throw umbrellas at people? You are soooo lazy. I love you heaps.

Smiley said...

did you aim? just throwing isn't going to get you much.
when you aim, for the head or the dangly bits, the recipient is likely to say why God why, thus they are praying. And there you go you have got people to pray.

The Crescat said...

Yes, I chucked them out my moving car window. I know, pathetic.